Rocky
Currently attending anger management therapy for slow play. Is a world authority on lamb shank preparation. Has a tattoo on his arse that says “If you’re reading this, we’re in prison”.
Category: 2020 Players
Magoogle
The Dogdish native voted most likely to marry his cousin by his Jeppe classmates. Was an exotic dancer at the Blue Oyster Bar before joining the navy. Secretly harbours a desire to become a bus conductor.
Chewbacca
Wanted to become a ventriloquist but the puppet couldn’t get a word in. He is able to hold several conversations simultaneously. In fact most conversations on tour involve him.
Groucho
Considered by many to be vocally and morally unrestrained. Endorsed by Weed Aficionado and the Plettenberg Overly-aggressive and Excitable Support Society (POESS)
Kojak
A past champion from a bygone era when Old Tom Morris was a junior and Rabbi’s clubs were new. Swing Analysis: Simple and clean followed by a few choice words in Italian not so simple and clean
Dutch
Always performs a quick cash flow projection before teeing up in front of water. Prefers all his clothing in orange except his overalls. He considers SPR (shanks per round) as the most useful metric to measure his performance.
Full Tilt
Paints himself as an Old Master – Only one of those attributes apply on the course. Always the last to know when it starts raining. Swing Analysis: He makes Fred Astaire look like a statue.
Cabronski
Introduces himself and starts each sentence with “Are you a champion?”. The first non gringo to lift the trophy. Swing Analysis: Reminiscent of someone fighting a swarm of bees
Rabbi
Considers himself a leading collector of vintage golf shirts. Always bemoans not being straight on tour. Nightmare Scenario: Any dogleg left. Swing Analysis: “Slight” left to right…once he eventually makes contact with the ball.
Rocketman
He disappears faster after 9pm than his grey hairs on a trip to Denmark. The only thing he can beat with his eyes closed is insomnia. Swing Analysis: Like the Democrats – Misguided and too far left
Oz
A sheep in wolf’s clothing. Wears camouflage shorts – we’ve never seen them. Sometimes unfairly referred to as “gums” having relinquished his Fines master role. Swing Analysis: What he lacks in confidence off the tee, he also lacks in swing speed.
Oom Trigger
Fully Bilingual – Speaks fluent English and Fox News. What keeps him awake at night?: The thought of being sat next to Chewbacca and MaGoogle and wanting to say something. Recently applied to have his name changed to Donald de Beer
Uwe Black
Recently wrote an article titled “Gender Identification in the modern era”. Lists his Domicilium Citandi as Pat Pong Street. Swing Analysis: Currently the subject of a dissertation titled “Unusual Biomechanical and Neuropsychological Mechanisms of Movement”
Van der chippen Putten
His hotel mini bars allow you into the future to see what a coke will cost in 2040. Flatly disputes Uwe Blacks’s claim that the best thing to come out of Holland is the train to Germany.
Big Mac
Recently featured in an article on 007.com called “Bond on a budget”. A close second to Rocketman in the insomnia stakes.
Vijayjay
Earlier this year he gave up his day job to spend more time on the range. Has learnt the hard way not to seek medical advice from Full Tilt. Swing Analysis: Gender neutral – Sometimes left, sometimes right. Not necessarily straight.
Spud
CFO and poultry evangelist for Woodchuck Chicken.Similar to a greek but not as hard working. Good for a top twenty four finish.
Gollum
The Tommy Hillfiger of Fatcat. VDCP calls him Poepchic. His personal challenge – a needs analysis of Rabbi’s wardrobe
Fargo (Pikanin)
Fargo by day, Pikanin by night. Also known as the smiling assasin. Now looking for an assistant given his expected workload on tour.
Magic Mike
Now called Mediocre Mike given his current form. Was once a Springbok tequila shootist. Swing Analysis: Runs a process and system automation conglomerate but has a different swing every day.
Crappy
Has this year managed to reduce his swing elements and thoughts to under 25. Nightmare scenario: Trying to focus with Chewbacca, Oom Tromp and Magoogle discussing US politics
Hipster
His body turn always carries the risk of a hook, never mind a hernia. Only his golf is mainstream.
Canthitabal
His goal is to one day shoot his age – will be lucky to shoot his weight. Career highlights include Saturday afternoon C-division winner in 2007. Swing Analysis: Like an octopus falling out of a tree.
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