FATCAT.GOLF

Currently attending anger management therapy for slow play. Is a world authority on lamb shank preparation. Has a tattoo on his arse that says “If you’re reading this, we’re in prison”.

The Dogdish Jeppe boy voted most likely to marry his cousin . Was an exotic dancer at the Blue Oyster Bar before joining the navy. Secretly harbours a desire to become a bus conductor.

Always performs a quick cash flow projection before teeing up in front of water. Prefers all his clothing in orange except his overalls. He considers SPR (shanks per round) as the most useful metric to measure his performance.

Friends are all stupid and don’t know nothing. Famous for his one day swing. Has as much chance of winning tour as Italy winning the World Cup this year

Considers himself a leading collector of vintage golf shirts. Always bemoans not being straight on tour. Nightmare Scenario 1: Any dogleg left. Nightmare Scenario 2: Full Tilt showing him how to complete his backswing.

He disappears faster after 9pm than his grey hairs on a trip to Denmark. The only thing he can beat with his eyes closed is insomnia. As much chance of winning tour as attending any new years eve event.

A sheep in wolf’s clothing. Wears camouflage shorts – we’ve never seen them. Sometimes unfairly referred to as “gums” having relinquished his Fines master role. Swing Analysis: What he lacks in confidence off the tee, he also lacks in swing speed.

Fully Bilingual – Speaks fluent English and Fox News.  Claimed the 2015 Marbella CC Junior Championship. Has about as much chance of winning tour as Hilary going to jail.

Recently wrote an article titled “Gender Identification in the modern era”.  Lists his Domicilium Citandi as Pat Pong Street. Swing Analysis: Currently the subject of a dissertation titled “Unusual Biomechanical and Neuropsychological Mechanisms of Movement”

Recently featured in an article on 007.com called “Bond on a budget”. A close second to Rocketman in the insomnia stakes. Nightmare Scenario: Getting bunker advice from Canthitabal.

The Tommy Hillfiger of Fatcat. VDCP calls him Poepchic. Nightmare Scenario: Getting dressed in front of a full length mirror. His personal challenge –  a needs analysis of Rabbi’s wardrobe

Now looking for a second assistant given his expected workload this year. Nightmare Scenario: Having to foot any alcohol bill. Has about as much chance of winning as being nominated to run an AA meeting.

His body turn always carries the risk of a hook, never mind a hernia.  Has been known to nod off on his downswing. Has about as much chance of winning tour as setting a new 400m hurdles record

His goal is to one day shoot his age – will be lucky to shoot his weight. Career highlights include Saturday afternoon C-division winner in 2007. Swing Analysis: Like an octopus falling out of a tree.

His staff see more of Halleys comet than they do him. Recently joined Alcoholics Anonymous – still drinks but uses a false name. Has about as much chance of winning as identifying his own dog in a lineup parade.

Another Jeppe alumni although Jeppe refuse to acknowledge this. Will be more like a lawnmower than a scooter after his initial appointment with Farpiktok. Fluent in English and Nashua.

He recently said – “If I had 50c for every scorecard I’d miscounted I’d have R10.80 now”

He is widely thought of amongst the primate population to be the original source of Ebola.

Paints himself as an Old Master – Only one of those attributes apply on the course.

Always the last to know when it starts raining.

 Swing Analysis: He makes Fred Astaire look like a statue.

Considered by many to be vocally and morally unrestrained. Endorsed by Weed Aficionado and the Plettenberg Overly-aggressive and Excitable  Support Society (POESS)