Rocky
Currently attending anger management therapy for slow play. Is a world authority on lamb shank preparation. Has a tattoo on his arse that says “If you’re reading this, we’re in prison”.
Category: 2024 Players
Magoogle
The Dogdish Jeppe boy voted most likely to marry his cousin . Was an exotic dancer at the Blue Oyster Bar before joining the navy. Secretly harbours a desire to become a bus conductor.
Chewbacca
Wanted to become a ventriloquist but the puppet couldn’t get a word in. He is able to hold several conversations simultaneously. In fact most conversations on tour involve him. Nightmare Scenario: Developing a sudden speech impediment.
Dutch
Always performs a quick cash flow projection before teeing up in front of water. Prefers all his clothing in orange except his overalls. He considers SPR (shanks per round) as the most useful metric to measure his performance.
Kojak
Friends are all stupid and don’t know nothing. Famous for his one day swing. Has as much chance of winning tour as Italy winning the World Cup
Cabronski
Introduces himself and starts each sentence with “Are you a champion?”. The first non gringo to lift the trophy. Nightmare Scenario: Removal of the word “gimme” from the golfing dictionary. Swing Analysis: Reminiscent of someone fighting a swarm of bees.
Rabbi
Considers himself a leading collector of vintage golf shirts. Always bemoans not being straight on tour. Nightmare Scenario 1: Any dogleg left. Nightmare Scenario 2: Full Tilt showing him how to complete his backswing.
WWII
Has a hapless desire to be known as WWIII. Previously known as Tiffany. Favorite pronoun: They. Drink of choice: Bud light
Boskak
Brings a new measure of performance to Fatcat (KPR). When not playing golf, he sells products with a tight seal.
Rocketman
He disappears faster after 9pm than his grey hairs on a trip to Denmark. The only thing he can beat with his eyes closed is insomnia. As much chance of winning tour as attending any new years eve event.
XXX
Tries hard to convince everybody that he actually works in Mauritius. Fondly referred to as “Island Boy” in his local Hells Angel charter. Has about as much chance of winning tour as Brexit
Oz
A sheep in wolf’s clothing. Considers himself “The most desirable” on tour. Sometimes unfairly referred to as “gums” having relinquished his Fines master role. Swing Analysis: What he lacks in confidence off the tee, he also lacks in swing speed.
Oom Tromp
Fully Bilingual – Speaks fluent English and Fox News. Claimed the 2015 Marbella CC Junior Championship. Has about as much chance of winning tour as Hilary going to jail.
Uwe Black
Recently wrote an article titled “Gender Identification in the modern era”. Lists his Domicilium Citandi as Pat Pong Street. Swing Analysis: Currently the subject of a dissertation titled “Unusual Biomechanical and Neuropsychological Mechanisms of Movement”
Big Mac
Recently featured in an article on 007.com called “Bond on a budget”. A close second to Rocketman in the insomnia stakes. Nightmare Scenario: Getting bunker advice from Canthitabal.
Spud
CFO and poultry evangelist for Woodchuck Chicken.Similar to a greek but not as hard working. Describes himself as a day trader … in gyros. Good for a top twenty four finish.
Gollum
The Tommy Hillfiger of Fatcat. VDCP calls him Poepchic. Nightmare Scenario: Getting dressed in front of a full length mirror. His personal challenge – a needs analysis of Rabbi’s wardrobe
Farpiktok
Now looking for a second assistant given his expected workload this year. Nightmare Scenario: Having to foot any alcohol bill. Has about as much chance of winning as being nominated to run an AA meeting.
Crappy
Has this year managed to reduce his swing thoughts to under 25. Nightmare scenario: Playing with Chewbacca, Oom Tromp and Magoogle in the same four ball. Most regrettable words spoken on the golf course: “Ok honey, you drive”
Canthitabal
His goal is to one day shoot his age – will be lucky to shoot his weight. Career highlights include Saturday afternoon C-division winner in 2007. Swing Analysis: Like an octopus falling out of a tree.
Herpie
Being anywhere close to him for extended periods guarantees you an appointment with the doctor. Contributes a considerable amount of revenue at Rocky’s range. Snores in his sleep … according to Oz ???
Wiiings
His staff see more of Halleys comet than they do him. Recently joined Alcoholics Anonymous – still drinks but uses a false name. Has about as much chance of winning as identifying his own dog in a lineup parade.
Scooter
Another Jeppe alumni although Jeppe refuse to acknowledge this. Will be more like a lawnmower than a scooter after his initial appointment with Farpiktok. Fluent in English and Nashua.
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